When you grieve for someone you used to be…

Sunday review time.

I used to always have my review on the weekend, going to a nice cafe in London, with my notebook and map out how the last week went and how the next was going to be.

Recently I realised I was feeling a bit dizzy, nearly grieving, couldn’t put my finger on why… (yes I’ve lost people in my circle recently, but it was a different kind of grief this time…)

Then it hit me… The last 6years, Since Brexit, I’ve had to start from scratch, adapt to new situations, new environments, I’ve shed so many pieces of what “Pascale” was, or thought I was, that I felt I lost myself a bit.

Moving countries twice, changing career when the pandemic hit… Going back to being employed to have better access to healthcare once back in France (after 22years of freelancing, it is a shock to my system, I cannot lie.)

Shedding conditionning about what others or society wanted me to do or be, refusing pressure I was putting on myself…

I also had the last 15months to learn how to be physically in the world because of my Long Covid.

I picked a word in 2022, as usual : it was SOFTNESS. I wanted life to ge gentle and soft but actually I had to learn how to be soft to myself.

The last week, I’ve been revisiting who I was, what was bringing me joy before, what was missing from my life for me to feel this way…

It’s bitter-sweet, reconnecting to myself, feeling sorry I had to let go of so much, and yet, feeling this sweet joy, like finding an old friend and being able to start chatting like nothing changed.

I don’t want to be the person I used to be.

I’ve learned and grown in ways that can be scary at times, but I’m going to slowly, gently, welcome back elements of my old life, and am giddy with excitements wondering how this unfold, being this much wiser, this much more experienced.

It feels like I had to let go of everything and make a clean slate so I could only add what really matters, what really lights me up.

Another cycle starts, on my own pace, building a strong foundation I can really build upon...

Being 46, you feel like you have ton of time and are so behind at the same time. As the joke say, like the Universe has taken you by the shoulders and asked to stop mucking around any longer.

So here I am, marking a milestone, a new start, a new birth.

I am walking with curiosity, playfulness, tenderness and fierce Love for myself, for Humans and technology.

Will you be witness to my journey ?